Last
Updated 1/21/2006
After a hard weekend of partying, I thought something looked
different about the store.
- Thanks Eric!
Q:
What is the difference between a drummer and a monkey?
A: You can train a monkey.
Q:
How does a lead singer screw in a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow
up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies,
"Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q:
What's the difference between a guitar player and a large
pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q:
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q:
What's the difference between a drummer and a kaleidoscope?
A: One produces a random set of patterns designed to entertain
a 4 year
old and the other you aim at a light source and turn.
Q:
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q:
What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.
Q:
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Saliva.
Q:
How do you know when the stage is level?
A: When the drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's
mouth in equal
amounts.
Q:
Did you hear about the bass player who accidentally locked
the keys
in his car?
A: It took him an hour to get the drummer out.
Q:
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q:
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q:
Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q:
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q:
How do you know when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, the knock has no rhythm, and
they don't know
when to come in.
Q:
What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead
skunk in
the road?
A: The skunk may have been on the way to a gig.
Q:
What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.
Q:
What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Q:
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q:
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q:
Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music
at the same
time.
Q:
How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q:
What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q:
Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q:
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q:
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
A
saying you'll never hear....That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q:
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.
Q:
There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
Q:
Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of
cars.
Q:
What has 3 legs and an idiot on top of it?
A: A drum stool.
Q:
What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.
Q:
What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians
in the
band?
A: The drummer.
Tuba
player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Glissando:
A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Music:
A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the
composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who
is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred
by the audience.
Successful
musician: One whose girlfriend (boyfriend) has at least
2 jobs.
Conductor:
A musician who is adept at following many people at the
same time.
Relative
minor: A Country & Western guitarist's girlfriend.
Subito
piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra
player to become a soloist.
Musica
ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until
you find it again.
A
female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like
to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight, but can you think
of a way to 'jazz it up'?" Keyboard player replies,
"Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time,
then modulate to A minor in time for the bridge, then cut
off the last 3 bars!" She exclaims, "That might
be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard
player responds, "Well, it shouldn't be, that's how
you sang it last night!"
Q:
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amplifier
Q:
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five! One to screw it in and four to debate if Neil Peart
could do it better.
Q:
How is a drum kit and a Hoover alike?
A: They both have a dirtbag on them.
Q:
What do you call a drumset that plays itself?
A: Electronic
- A Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study jazz
drumming with his idols. In order to earn enough money for the venture he has joined
'Abdul Ahmed's Club Date Band,' which specializes in Turkish folk music and is much
renowned in the circuit of well-paid society gigs.
After saving up enough money he leaves the band and moves to New York where he takes
private lessons from his favorite drummers, Jack DeJohnette and Roy Haynes.
After two years of hard study and penniless, he returns to Turkey, where necessity once
again forces him to join the famous Abdul Ahmed. Eager to show off his recently acquired
jazz licks, the drummer crams every available space in the arrangements with fills and
breaks of astonishing complexity, displaying all of his breath-taking technique.
After enduring an hour of deafening pyrotechnics, Abdul Ahmed approaches the drummer
during the intermission and takes him to one side.
"You know, I think what you are doing is very nice. Very, very nice," he says smiling
patiently, "but all we need here is a simple backbeat on seven and thirteen."
-When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a
chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favourite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever
recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not
remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every
song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog
the memory.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try
singing a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your
request from across the room several times per set followed by the
phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU STINK!". Exaggerated hand gestures expressing
disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the
thumbs down.
Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes
you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey
could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all
that matters. If a heavy metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the
next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the
previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band.
It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays
strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for
Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to
a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.
Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the
back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by
their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from
behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not
impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is
at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time.
Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the
megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good
look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps
immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your
questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem,
it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop
an attitude. We love this.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on
stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up
on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound,
and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be
sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing
assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part
harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love
the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a
compliment.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get onstage
and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully
completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following
day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig ...
- We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you
don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs.
Please play these during the reception:
A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for
ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please.
Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist
play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of
polyrhythms.
One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high
register tenor saxes.
We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So
please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note =93
and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more
appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.
Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The
Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin
Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D--she
has kind of a high voice.
Then my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of
Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go
over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."
And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit
bydoing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've
Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."
When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to
Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's
grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.
Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome, we'll certainly be
happy to recommend your band to our friends.
We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in
contacting you of $12.50) by the end of next month: we're a little
short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in
advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our
daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need
for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from
playing this wedding.
Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack
sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the
deposit to the butler).
Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests.
- The following has been circulating amongst jazz musicians in London.
You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If ...
-- Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body than you use to play your instrument.
-- It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan, than your amp.
-- During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals.
-- You refuse to play out of tune.
-- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round a golf.
-- Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
-- All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
-- You love shopping the dollar store because you can sing along to most of your playlist.
-- You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
-- Instead of a fifth piece, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money.
-- You've lost the directions to the gig.
-- Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.
-- Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin or nose is gray.
-- You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
-- You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
-- You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
-- The waitress is your daughter.
-- You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
-- Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
-- You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
-- You no longer use a tip jar.
-- You refuse to play without earplugs.
-- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
-- You want an opening act.
-- You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
-- High notes make you cough.
-- Your gig stool has a back.
-- You're related to at least one other member of the band.
-- You need a nap before the gig.
-- You don't let anyone "sit in."
-- After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
-- During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.
-- You prefer a music stand with a light.
-- You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
-- You can't operate without a set list.
-- You say you double on bass.
-- You discourage playing longer than contracted.
-- You have a contract.
-- You know all the words to "Aqualung."
- Even More Actual Instructions To The Orchestra From Professional
Conductors:
Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.
Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.
Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way.
It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does.?
Imagine yourself getting enough money for what you do.
Not so bright. It sound like Orpheus in His Underwear.
Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.
That was a drive-by viola solo.
Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come
up.
There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch some.
Strings, I know what you're thinking: With all this racket going on, why am I
playing? Well, sorry, there's no time for existential questions right now.
The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.
You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
Play as if you were musicians.
