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After a hard weekend of partying, I thought something looked different about the store.
- Thanks Eric!

A Musician's Dictionary

AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders.

BANDSTAND: the area farthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: a guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: the only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: the arch enemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: a musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing!!!

PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: an archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RAGA: the official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

24/7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.

UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a monkey?
A: You can train a monkey.

Q: How does a lead singer screw in a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a kaleidoscope?
A: One produces a random set of patterns designed to entertain a 4 year
old and the other you aim at a light source and turn.

Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: When the drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth in equal

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who accidentally locked the keys
in his car?
A: It took him an hour to get the drummer out.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: How do you know when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, the knock has no rhythm, and they don't know
when to come in.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead skunk in
the road?
A: The skunk may have been on the way to a gig.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

A saying you'll never hear....That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What has 3 legs and an idiot on top of it?
A: A drum stool.

Q: What's the difference between Buddy Rich's band and a bull?
A: With the bull the horns are up front and the a**hole is in the rear.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the
A: The drummer.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred by the audience.

Successful musician: One whose girlfriend (boyfriend) has at least 2 jobs.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Relative minor: A Country & Western guitarist's girlfriend.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

A female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight, but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, it shouldn't be, that's how you sang it last night!"

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amplifier

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five! One to screw it in and four to debate if Neil Peart could do it better.

Q: How is a drum kit and a Hoover alike?
A: They both have a dirtbag on them.

Q: What do you call a drumset that plays itself?
A: Electronic

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